I'm really really exhausted right now. It's been an insane weekend of just non-stop 'on-the-go' (all these New Year's conceived babies having their BD's in the same week with the theme of picklejuice & vodka!!!) But even after arriving at my 3rd home - the San Diego Avis office - I find funny Mr. Pickle. My fave sandwich shop in the world is called Pickles too. So I totally LOL myself at another set of - connecting the dots (or, ok, picles!). At least I was awake enough now to drive 40 miles to Carlsbad.
I've had another 2 illuminating human encounters in the last 2 days. I'm wondering if I'm having so many of them because I'm sort of feeling open, and inviting this kind of feedback, thinking, and questioning? In Estonian there's a saying that "One that seeks, shall find" - and I'm truly seeking... AND to my utter surprise - finding! (In certain circumstances, in Estonia, we say that when you look too hard, you won't find... but I'll leave that to another time). So Sun night I madly drive from the cozy mansions of PacHeights to the eclectic vibes of the Mission. Totally happy about going - was just late, nicely trusting my feminine sense of direction that lead me the exact opposite direction. But finally I get to Beretta (totally expecting a Russian revolver theme!)... and 3 tequila-ginger coctails later, I find myself inspired. By this human being that's barely a few years older than me, but that's probably lived 25 more years within that time (and I've been around the block myself!) After dinner -- 4 wholesome, funny, sad, perplexing, tormenting, hopeful, exciting, freeing -- hours later, I walk out, confirming once again that there is not A Right Answer. Society, and certain friends, and at the end of the day - my own inner desires & fears - want to put myself in a box (even be it the "boxless box") and have my life follow a certain timeline, only to realize that the most amazing things happen when you're sort of making other plans. I'd once again like to believe that there's a time to play and a time to chill out a bit, but it comes back to the same - you plan & you plan, thinking if you have X, Y, Z, you'll have the a,b,c you're looking for but you realize that "mad" actually makes you happy. So I'm really letting life take its course. Maybe I should be hustling & bustling right now, forcing myself to find "my spot" but I'm sort of happy just 'sailing' right now - being open for any and all opportunities, people, learnings, discoveries. Some of my revelatory conversations have been with people who's lives by all standard means are just really f*** up. But the fact that they've come out the other end, and have it all f*** much more together - I'll respect that. So from my crazy friends to my crazy family that's never followed the golden midway and just gone with the flow and figured things out - I love that. I won't drift forever, but now - it's listening to the inner voice, and doing whatever I feel whenever I feel it. And that makes me happy. And at the end of the day - that's all that's true. Me. And Happiness.
And when there's a little bit of picklejuice & vodka... or, hey a whole Mr. Pickle... to go with that! I'll take it. Na Zdarovye. Or Terviseks!
"I won't drift forever, but now - it's listening to the inner voice, and doing whatever I feel whenever I feel it. And that makes me happy."
ReplyDeleteThat's beautiful Diana. I know what you are talking about. Keep on going, you should only take life half seriously.